The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
