I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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