Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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