I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
