Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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