Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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