I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We need to get me chipped asap
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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