he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
