You work out of a Hotel?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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