I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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