I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
