My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
