he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize