take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
