Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I currently don't understand fingers.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize