I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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