my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
