you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
