After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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