my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
