Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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