Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
