My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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