I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
