I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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