i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
