i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
