wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
be right there i have to get my cape
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize