fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
