I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
