2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
