That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
