an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
