You made me cry and you don't even care
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
