There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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