My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
