census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I wanna passion pit in your ass
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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