i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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