can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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