Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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