Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize