She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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