hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
