Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
