Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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