maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
