that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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