i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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