Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
