You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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