a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
