peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize