First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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