My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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