yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
