My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
