Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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