at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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