remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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