i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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